Cheating with an ex, for love? Revenge? I’m not sure

by Justsomerandomgirl
(Middle of Nowhere)

My ex is like my drug. We have ten years of history, and try as I might to get over him, I can’t forget him.

I have cheated in the past, but when I started dating my current boyfriend, I had sworn I was over that stage in my life. I broke all communication with my ex and got ready to settle down and be serious.

A year later, my ex came back into my life. The first time we got together was when he came home to visit (he lives far away), and we hadn’t seen each other in two years. I had heard my boyfriend had been unfaithful and barring any real proof had let him go with a “one chance only” deal.

The pain and uncertainty was still there. I thought it would be innocent revenge. The foolishness of that statement alone is now obvious to me. My boyfriend had told me he had just “cuddled” with this woman so I let my ex come and “cuddle” me. But it was more than just revenge, the feelings were still there. We stayed up all night, holding hands by the fire, dancing in the kitchen, and staring into each other’s eyes. He asked me to move to where he was, and be together again, I found myself wishing with all my heart that I could. That night, there was some inappropriate touching but nothing serious and no kissing or additional foul play of any kind.

A year later and he came home again. Over the past year my boyfriend had caught us communicating and flirting, and was wary of him. I met him, swearing it would be innocent. I evaded his kisses all night, with a smile, but when he dropped me off and started spewing emotions again, I let that kiss happen and drank in every minute of it. I will never regret that kiss (or the others that followed that one); the passion was so overwhelming and beautiful. I know most call it immoral, I can’t help thinking that few things in life could ever feel so right. And life is so short.

After this, I had more or less set myself up for failure. A kiss was wrong, but not so unforgivable in my eyes. We started talking almost every day. My love for him began to grow again, and eat at me as I went through the motions with my boyfriend. By this point, some might say I should have left my boyfriend, but I had grown to love him very much too. When we would get in fights, I would always think of that kiss as my “secret revenge” for anything he would do. We didn’t fight much though, and often just about my ex, and how I wouldn’t cut off communication. By now there seemed to be no doubts in my boyfriends mind about how attached I was to this man. Love is a hard thing for me to hide.

My ex asked me again to move to where he was, and be with him. Jobs weren’t available here, he said, he had looked. But I was in school, and things were complicated so I said no, though my heart ached to be with him.

I saw him again, this time on his own turf. We spent a short time together and slept together. I tried to resist it again but even I know it was only half hearted this time. For me, it is not about the physical part as much as the emotional connection. That being said, the physical part was explosive…

Since then it has been hard for me, because my thoughts are with this man more often than I would like. I have seen him one more time since then, and I felt disappointed by that encounter. My ex was extremely drunk, and rather pushy with me. He isn’t exactly a meek man to begin with, but this was just him wanting me in bed. The conversations leading up to that meeting may have something to do with that though, so I accept the blame there.

Again, recently, he has suggested I move, this time I am considering. So why do I stay with my boyfriend you may ask? I guess because I do love him. Also because I don’t want to be alone, and getting back with my ex would be sure to cause me pain as he is unreliable regardless of how much I love him.

I have considered confessing, or breaking up with my boyfriend, or breaking it off with my ex. But each choice seems so hard to make. I am sure that sounds like a coward’s excuse. Maybe it is. I guess in short, I started this out of revenge and opened a door to something I don’t have the strength to walk away from.

I am being selfish, I know this. I know it isn’t right. My boyfriend loves me so much, and wants to move in together, or get married, and after a few years now, I just don’t feel ready to do this. Maybe I should leave him. I’m sure anyone reading this would suggest that for his sake, but I can’t imagine my life without him.

I need to stop being so self destructive, but part of me likes the secrecy. I know how bad that sounds!!! I have a lot of figuring out to do I suppose…

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