I’m Insecure in Relationships so I Snoop Through His Phone
Am I bad for snooping?
From [Name Withheld]
I was wondering if you could help me with some questions I have. Okay here is what’s been going on in my relationship: I’m very insecure. I get very upset if my boyfriend texts another female and/or a female texts him and he doesn’t tell me. It makes me feel like he’s trying to hide something.
So at night when he’s sleeping I snoop through his phone. I know what your probably thinking… I really know I shouldn’t. I know I could just ask him to look through it and he would let me. The problem with that is each time I have asked him he gets really upset with me and I quote “I hate feeling like you’re a cop going through my phone looking for something,” or “I wish you would just trust me.”
I have trust issues, I trust him but not 100%. I’m trying to work on that. But he gets mad when I ask so I do it when he’s sleeping to avoid it. Most of the time I don’t find anything which makes me reassured again. (I don’t get why he gets so mad each time if there really is nothing he’s hiding). But anyways tonight I went through his phone again and this time he texted one of his friends, a girl. I do believe it’s one of his friends he’s known since he was a kid, but it made me mad and hurt that he didn’t tell me that he texted her. The conversation went like this exactly.
Him: Are you in Texas City?
Her: No why?
Her: lol I’m at work in this shithole town
Him: Oh I’m working in Galveston.
Him: I haven’t seen you since you’ve been back if you ever come this way let me know we’ll go to lunch
Her: Come up here and take me out to lunch lol. I currently don’t have a vehicle.
That was their conversation… and to be completely honest it made me even more mad and hurt. More hurt then anything really. Why would he ask her to lunch? Why wouldn’t he tell me at least and ask if I would be alright with it? Or at least TELL me that he texted her and asked her to lunch? So could anyone please tell me if I’m tripping over nothing ? Or if I’m overreacting? Or if I should be worried?
The problems with snooping
When you snoop through his phone, it makes him feel like you will never trust him. When people don’t feel trusted, eventually, they go out of their way to prove you right. It’s dumb and people usually regret it, but it’s how our brains work.
That’s not to say this is what he had in mind when he texted an old friend.
Sometimes an orange is just an orange. If you spend all this reckless energy trying to make sure he never talks to any women or trying to delete his friends from his life, things are going to end between you and (as history has always told us), things never end well in relationships like these. “Why would he ask her to lunch?“ WHO CARES!? Why didn’t he tell you? Because he knew you were going to do what you did!
Cheaters–REAL cheaters–know what they can get away with and would have to intelligence to delete any incriminating text messages knowing full-well that you were going to look through it eventually. What he does and who he talks to throughout your day has nothing to do with you. And the fact that you are so anxious about it makes it so there are large parts of his day that he can’t talk to you about just because it involved him talking to another human being that just happens to have boobies.
Jealousy destroys relationships
You admit that you are insecure and that’s a start. But why are you so insecure? Have you been cheated on in the past? Do you feel you don’t deserve this man as a boyfriend? Has a previous boyfriend (or anyone really) made you feel like you are somehow unworthy of love? Has he been a cheating scumbag before?
All of these except if he has previously cheated HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM! Your insecurities are 100% your own. Making him the bad guy in this and all future snoopings only draws attention from the real problem here: somehow, you feel as if you’re not enough. There’s nothing he can say or do to change your mind and that only lead to both of you getting frustrated.
Once you get frustrated in a relationship, you act out to force the REAL argument so that you can be finally heard.
Unfortunately, you are still insecure in relationships so you really can’t hear him try to tell you that he might actually be a totally stand-up decent guy. He might even be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had… but you have these creeping insecurities that make you want to go snoop through his phone. Now you actually have some (pretty weak) proof that he’s cheating on you and you are angry and hurt. But you said it yourself: it’s a childhood friend. I don’t know about you, but I pretty much dated all the friends from my childhood that I found interesting and the rest? The rest are just friends.
Find the root of your insecurities
This entire issue rests firmly on your shoulders. Your jealousy and snooping stem from something you have not dealt with. This is a perfect time to talk to a counselor or therapist and get to the bottom of your fears. BUt I realize going to a therapist is terrifying for some people so the next best thing is to get the best book made on this subject.
We recommend you check out Insecure in Love. It teaches you that if you find yourself constantly on the alert, anxious, or worried when it comes to your significant other, you may suffer from anxious attachment, a fear of abandonment that is often rooted in early childhood experiences. Once you uncover what’s really tugging at your insecurities, you can stop snooping through his phone and start seeing him as the loving, trustworthy, awesome guy that his probably is.