He Won’t Sleepover

“How can I get my boyfriend to sleepover?”

sleepoverThings are still going very well with my guy generally, but he’’ll never sleepover. We have been dating for about 3 months and see each other three times a week and have very good communication. I would say we have had sex 70% of the time we meet up and started after 7th date. He’s 40 and I’m 31. He has had two 4-year relationships and two 2-year ones with last one ending a year and a half before ours.

I was out of the country for the holidays for about 10 days but we were in touch with messages every day and talked on the phone every other day. We celebrated New Year’s Eve together (dinner and then went to a small party at my friend’s place) and then most of New Year’s Day too including hanging out with some of his friends.

Sex is still pretty good and he is very good about looking out for my needs there;) He also really just loves my body, which is great. One little quirk and I guess it relates to that last post I had where he said he would go home rather than stay over (from a few weeks ago).

After New Year’s Eve he came over and we traded our Xmas gifts. Then we had sex and I guess he had that thought again so he went home quite late after. But we did then meet for brunch and spent the whole day together through 11pm on New Year’s Day. He did bring it up because he realizes I might think it is odd. He said he thinks it is better to be slower than faster with the sleepovers. He said it’s a matter of habits and he didn’t want to start that yet. He said that’s what he had to say on it but if I wanted to talk about it more, I should bring it up. Otherwise we are going for a long weekend in two weeks and he is very attentive, pays for everything still even if I offer. I’m just curious what you think about that?”


It’’s probably nothing

Some people are just quirky that way. To him, a sleepover might be the final step to commitment. He might just be an insomniac. He might even snore terribly and is really self-conscious about it.

This could just be a sleep issue for him. For most people who can fall asleep normally and sleep through the night with no problems, this situation might seem ridiculous. For an insomniac, this is a serious obstacle to a night’s sleep that will wreck the rest of his week. If that’’s true, then it really has nothing to do with you or your living situation. You’’ll just have to give him time to get comfortable enough to take this step on his own.

If it’’s an embarrassing snoring issue, then you’’ll have to breach the subject. You can casually mention how you could hear your dad snoring when you were young and it was comforting. Don’’t say this if in reality, you can’’t stand snoring. Obviously, if this guy’s the one, you’’ll have to get used to it eventually. But, never say you like it because he will remember that always and throw it back in your face if you ever complain about the noise.

You can also mention that you have one of those White Noise Machines that help you sleep and drown out snoring…

Who knows? It could even be an embarrassing bodily function issue (like passing gas while sleeping or something worse…?). He actually could be saving you from an uncomfortable situation. Only time will tell on this one.

What if it’s an emotional issue?

This is the hardest one to overcome since the other two possibilities are only about comfort and time. Perhaps to him, having a sleepover is a really big deal. Maybe this is the last step before buying you an engagement ring. As bizarre as that might sound, people obsess about the silliest things sometimes. Unfortunately, you’’re the one wondering if it’s your fault or if this guy is a nutjob.

It’s important to not make a big deal out of it if you think that’s the case. If he thinks you are freaking out about it, then it will only confirm his bizarre notion that sleepovers are a big deal.

How do I get him to sleepover?

Naptime! You need to create some situations where you fall asleep with him on the couch or snuggling on the bed. The key here is to make sure he’’s completely comfortable. If he sleeps on his side, make sure he’’s on his side. If he sleeps on his stomach, maybe a little backrub will get him in position for a mini sleepover.

How will you know any of this? Ask him. Don’t ask him the moment you are trying your little experience, ask him while out on a date. It’’s OK to be curious and he won’’t get offended or freaked out about the quiz. Keep in mind there are better ways of getting information out of someone: offer the information first. Talk about how you woke up with a sore neck because you didn’’t sleep in your favorite position… and then ask away!

Create a nest for him

Since you never mentioned if you’’ve spent the night over at his place, we’’ll just assume you’’re on the “no sleepovers period” plan. But it’’s been three months; you have seen his place. Check out his bathroom. Take note of his brand of razor and toothpaste. Look at how his world is organized (or disorganized) and try to create this on a small and familiar level at your house.

Get him a bathrobe! Make sure he has everything he needs to feel comfortable so that if it is a sleep difficulty issue, at least he’’ll know he has all the creature comforts when he wakes up.

Figure out a way to get him to leave some clothes at your house. Have him come over to help you with something but tell him to bring something nice to change into for your date that night. If he knows he can wake up and get dressed with a fresh set of clothes (that you’’ve cleaned and folded since he left them there), then he’’s one step further towards spending the night. Also, does he sleep in pajamas? Buy him some pajamas that live at your house…

What about your bed? Is your bed as good if not better than his? If he’’s got an awesome mattress and yours is the same one you’’ve been sleeping on since you were 16, then it’’s time for an upgrade! And the sheets? Are they comfortable and inviting? There’s nothing like designer sheets from Bellacor to make you feel luxurious and get a man to want to stay. You can also get a set of sheets similar to his. Does this feel excessive? It probably is, but if you go another three months without ever waking up in his arms, you might be freaking out eventually. If he’’s worth it, then all of this work is for a great cause! And to finally get your sleepover will all make it worth it

Time to communicate

He did leave it open for discussion so talk about it. You should bring it up (again, not when he’’s putting on his clothes and bailing) in a completely unrelated time and be honest. You think it’s weird. Before you try to minimize that statement, admit it: you think it’s weird.

The sleepover situation has never come up for you before because it’s never been an issue. Letting him know that might be all he needs to hear. You don’’t think anything major about it, but it’’s something you desire. Waking up next to somebody is a glorious experience and you want some of that.

Don’t be accusative or emotional at all or you will make it a big deal for him. Three months is long enough to know whether you can trust someone or not. You know that and I know that. You just need to gently guide him in that direction and you will get your sleepover. Sweet dreams, Nathalie!

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