Ten Years Wasted

by Lara
(NJ)

So I met my man when I was 17. I had just dropped out of school, and began to experiment with drugs.

We fell in love, he proposed to me, we moved in together. Blah blah blah. After one night of partying, I had a seizure and he took me to the hospital, I got referred to a neurologist and got diagnosed with epilepsy. So I was put on this relatively new medication with very few specialized studies.

For me, it has sexual side-effects. Dryness and very low libido. He took this as a personal hit (“You make me feel like sex is a chore for you,” “I’m always getting rejected”). Sex isn’t a chore. He doesn’t understand that sometimes when it’s so dry, it doesn’t feel nice, so why would I want to do it? But when I do give in during these situations, I can’t feel the pleasure, I make faces expressing my discomfort, which makes him think I don’t want to have sex with him.

I would sometimes jokingly tell him to get a f**k buddy (in reflection, I now realize that was a really dumb thing for me to say…I just never thought he’d think I was serious).

I lost my virginity to him. I am devoted to him. Although we’ve had problems in the past (including him accusing me of cheating, which I’ve never done), I still want to spend forever with him.

A year and a half ago, he suddenly told me, “I think we should try not being together for awhile. I’m very unhappy and I’m tired of you rejecting me.” The problem with this is that we’re living together at my parents’ house. I am dually grateful and embarrassed to say “rent-free.”

We also have a five-year old son. There are things that I’ve been hassling him about over these years – playing video games excessively being at the top of the list. He works as a truck driver for a moving company, so he works very hard, and at the end of the day, all he wants to do to relax is play video games. I tell him (as calmly and nicely as I can) that there are men who work as hard as he does and find it a relief to come home and play with their kids.

We aren’t doing a good job. Our son has behavioral problems because we aren’t attentive enough.

So the day after he “broke up” with me, I found a condom in the car. I asked him about it, “Were you planning on using it?” “I don’t know,” he said. So I was totally convinced he wouldn’t have sex with someone else.

I tried to make myself more available to him sexually. One night, he said he’d get back together with me, no questions asked, if we could have anal sex. I really didn’t want to, but I gave in because I love him and I wanted to have him back.

I thought things were getting better, then the unthinkable happened. He was asleep on his couch, I was watching TV on mine (yeah, we haven’t slept in the same bed since our son was one, because we’d have to bring him in with us and he’d kick my man and make him uncomfortable), his phone made a noise. I looked and it was a picture message of a girl naked on a bed, and the caption said, “Thinking of you.” I recognized the girl as one of his friend’s friends who gave him a backstage ticket to a concert. She met me and my son once.

I woke him up and asked him if it was her. He said he didn’t know why she’d send that msg. I asked if he slept with her. He said, “Does it matter? We were broken up.”

“Yes, it matters. You still lived here.”
After saying “it doesn’t matter” a few more times, he told me he did, and that it was just once and it just happened. They were bombed, etc. I was heartbroken.

A month later, I looked at his phone while he was sleeping and saw some texts from her and decided to write back as him. “Listen, we’re back together now, I love Lara and I want to be with my family.”

She called back. I said “Hello? What do you want?” “I wanted to see if (my mans name here) sent that. Did he?” “No, he didn’t. I did. What do you think you’re doing?”

She said something, started to cry and hung up. Then she sent me a pic of them hugging each other looking very happy. I called back and we talked for a while. She told me they’d been dating for 4 months (about the time period we were “broken up”), he wanted to move in with her but she thought it was weird since they’d only known each other for a few months at the time, he told her he loved her…blah blah. She was crying the whole time.

“I never would’ve come between you if I knew you got back together.” Yeah, right. She told me things that she couldn’t have made up. “Where do you think he goes every weekend?” (I didn’t tell her I thought about that) “He told me you had a seizure one night while holding (my son’s name here) and you begged him to get back together.” (I didn’t tell her I have epilepsy) She mentioned something about my bad memory (another side-effect of my drug)…something only my man could’ve mentioned to her. So I told her the condition under which we got back together. She said, “Oh my god, what a scumbag. I can’t believe he did that to you.” So then she said she wanted nothing to do with him anymore, I don’t have to worry about it, she won’t call anymore, etc.

Needless to say, I’d been lied to by two people. I believed her. That’s one of the most painful parts. I believed that he told her he loved her. I believed he wanted to leave me to be with her.

They kept talking. I looked at the phone bill every month. There were many calls and texts. It left me to wonder what the hell they still had to say to one another. I thought things were better.

“She listened to me and made me feel like someone cares about me, Lara,” he said

God, telling this story is tiring. I told a couple of my friends, they told me i should be done with him. But he’s a huge chunk of my life and I don’t think I could be without him. One of the times we fought about it, he left and called her. He came back claiming SHE told him that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, and that she found a new man. Try to work things out, she supposedly said.

But there were still calls. It got pointless asking him about it, because he’d just get angry and tell me, “Are you ever going to let me live this down?”

I am so heartbroken. I feel numb. It’s very hard for me to trust him. She won’t leave him alone. She has a man, why can’t she leave mine alone? I know he’s not going out of his way to talk to her anymore, but when she does text him, he doesn’t ignore her. And that’s one thing that would show me that he cares about my feelings.

One of the funny things about this whole situation is that, while we were “broken up” he told me a friend found me on a dating site. But I didn’t create a profile on one. Why would he have gotten so mad at me if he was “cheating” on me? I put quotation marks because I still consider it cheating since he continued to live with me and we’d still have sex.

All I want to do is confront her, but any time I’d suggested that, he told me it would cause more drama. I have the right to some closure. I want to know how her man would feel if he knew she were talking to the last guy she was in love with. She told me that night on the phone that she isn’t a confrontational person. Her actions prove otherwise.

I’m stuck at this point in time.
I guess I should’ve listened to my father.

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