Well, how do you define “single?”

Well, how do you define “single?”

by Bella
(Los Angeles, Ca.)

dating and relationshipsMet a great guy on a dating website; tall, witty, smart, fun and a hell of a kisser. The relationship status portion of his online profile indicated that he was single. Prior to our first date, he disclosed to me that he lived with a roommate. Upon questioning, he further revealed that his roommate was, in fact, his ex-girlfriend. He assured me that their relationship was entirely over and he was moving out of their shared apartment in the next few days. Trusting his assurances, I forgot all about it.

On our first date, we had a great time; we kissed and messed around a bit–something I hoped would continue on our second date. Unfortunately, this was not to be.

When we returned to his apartment at the end of our second night together, he asked me “What’s the plan?” Before I could say anything, he told me that I was not welcome upstairs in his apartment (this is the most likely reason that he never gave me his apartment number—a red flag I missed). He explained that I couldn’t come up because he didn’t want to disrespect his ex-girlfriend or their living arrangement. Shocked (as he’d indicated that she dated other men and that that she and he no longer shared romantic feelings for each other) and disappointed (to learn that my feelings fell second to those of another girl), I started to leave. But he made me feel like I was being irrational for leaving, so I stayed a bit longer. I should have gone with my gut and left.

Further talking revealed that in addition to living together, he and his ex also sleep together in the same bed. His rationale for this is that he must get a good night’s sleep, and the couch is too uncomfortable for him to sleep on. Wow. In what world is it acceptable to tout yourself as single, date someone, mess around, and then return home to someone else and hop into bed with them? To top it all off, this guy actually got mad at me for being upset with him! I finally left, feeling manipulated, duped, and used.

I know I am not totally insane for being put off by his behavior (as women I have spoken to about this also find it sneaky and gross), but, what do you think? Is this behavior typical of most men? Can men honestly define “single” this broadly? Do you think this happens a lot? Or, was this just a freak occurrence? Why do men consider honesty and full disclosure as optional? How can I avoid this situation in the future without resorting to interrogating each man I date about the details of his living arrangement?

The saddest part of this whole story is that I still find myself, at times, wishing this guy would contact me. Besides his deceptiveness, blatant disregard for the truth, and lacking interest in my feelings, I really did enjoy his company. All I can do now is remind myself of the following principle: must not chase after a man who shares his bed with another woman.


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