Everything For Him
by Anonymous
(Canada)
I have just broken up with my boyfriend 2 days ago. We have been dating for 2 years, and we were both truly in love and saw a future together. He has stuck by me through the roughest patches when some of my close friends turned against me.
Everything was my fault. I said things I shouldn’t have said and did things I shouldn’t have done. When I recently realized that even the friends I have left, slowly began to disintegrate themselves from our lives, because of me. They began forming their own opinions about me and confirming the opinions my other previous friends had.
This is when I realized that I was the reason he lost his friends too, I was the reason why both of us felt so segregated from the world. So I pulled the plug on the relationship because I didn’t want to be the one to cause him misery anymore. I have no self-esteem and I feel that if I am going to be damaged, I shouldn’t be pulling the person I love with me. Like people said, if you really love him, his happiness is before yours and I was doing everything for him.
Now I’m living through everyday by the minute, constantly reminding myself why I chose to end the relationship. I’m afraid to look at my emails, facebook or phone, because I know I’ll want to talk to him, but for both of our sake, I can’t. It’s incredibly hard right now, because I know that I need to stop being the person hurting him. I can’t always make him my outlet when I’m angry or stressed.
My parents are divorced, I grew up without a dad, and my mom potentially has cancer. I have no siblings, almost no friends, and I live alone in Canada. I’m in a tough spot, so if anybody can offer any advice or just comforting words, I’d truly appreciate it.
Our Relationship Advice to You
Forgive yourself
You truly sound like you are in a terrible position, my heart goes out to you.
First of all, I want you to know that everything is NOT your fault! You feel that way due to his treatment of you. When our partners tell us that we are crazy, or should be one thing or another or are always critical of us, they don’t love themselves enough so they put us down to feel better. Even if we know without a doubt that they love us, we DESERVE to be treated better! You DESERVE a guy and friends and family who loves you unconditionally without all the drama.
I understand the pain you are going through. Nothing can seem to compare to the end of a relationship with someone you love, but you are better off and you will come out a stronger woman at the other side.
The amazing thing in all of this is how self-aware you are. You understand that most of the friction in the relationship is coming directly from you and you decided to bow out before you do any more damage. But here you are still hurting and pretty sure you’ll do this to the next great relationship… By taking all the blame, you have put yourself in a great position: You are 100% capable of fixing the way you act in these situations.
You should check out Panic Away! Yeah, I know you are not dealing with panic, you just react poorly when cornered and do things to drive people away. Panic Away is just a name.
It’s actually a really brilliant system that helps you pinpoint the moments when you aren’t reacting in a way that helps you to be happy. Panic Away then teaches you a way to examine these feelings and helps you figure out a better, permanent way to react instead. You can change these compulsions that ruin your relationships, you just have to know how!
Beyond that, you could start a journal and write out all of your feelings and do something for you. Even if it’s something little – go to the park for a walk, buy yourself a new outfit or…
You may even look into talking to a life coach or counselor in order to get your self esteem back. Something that can be very low after being in a relationship like you described. One easy way to start to feel better about yourself is to list all of the qualities you are grateful for – you’re good at math, you have a pretty smile, you are a good cook, whatever it may be. And next time you are ready to do everything for him, also consider you need to do everything FOR YOU also!
Hang in there and good luck!
Crystal