Is he waiting for someone better to come along?
By Lori T.
I met a man online two years ago and we went out as friends and nothing came out of it. He came back in my life two months ago and we went out as friends again and we had great chemistry and we both felt it so we ended up having sex.
We both agreed we were not looking for a relationship, but he mentioned after we spoke about not having a relationship. He said we wouldn’t work because our lives are in different places and I know that means he doesn’t want a relationship with me. We talked everyday and we still do. He always contacts me first and I did stop talking to him for eight days until he contacted me again.
He knows that I know he talks to other women and I talk to other men but I just feel like he’s keeping me around until someone better comes along for him. He tells me he loves and misses me and that he wants to cuddle, but there are never actions behind his words so I know that they are meaningless. He knows that I know that and I’m just playing along with him.
I always keep my feelings in check with men and I can control them except with him because of our chemistry. I’ve never had chemistry like this before so I do have feelings for him but he doesn’t think I like him in that way. I think that he’s just keeping me around until someone better comes along. We don’t text as often but it’s still everyday. What’s your opinion? Do you think I should just move on and not talk to him? I always keep my options open but I’m having a hard time moving on from him.
Our Dating Advice to You
You have a part in this too!
This seems to be the problem with the dating scene nowadays. Everyone is essentially waiting for someone better to come along.
That’s not to say it’s not a good strategy to find the best possible partner, but when you fill your life with “migrant lovers,” you’re not really throwing yourself out there to catch and keep a truly excellent partner. Sure, you might bump into him and you guys might actually have a few successful dates, but your heart is getting tugged back to this other person who has really become comfortable in your life.
You’re both doing the relationship thing by communicating nearly every day and by now, I’m sure you have all of your inside jokes that couples share and favorite places and things to do. However, he’s just not available and neither are you.
How do you really feel about him?
You guys are talking about love and missing each other, but you still keep each other at arm’s length. And by your own admission, he’s always the one to contact you. If he doesn’t text or call, then the communication stops. You know how you are from previous relationships so you’re purposefully holding yourself back.
…but then there are these pesky feelings about him that you don’t know what to do with…
Now for the questions you need to ask yourself:
- So do you love him or not?
- He’s obviously datable material, but is he (or could he be) relationship material?
- Does he have his life together or is he managing it the same way he’s managing this relationship?
- Do you guys do things other than hang out and have sex or are you most likely a booty call?
- Could he commit to just one person?
- Can you commit to just one person?
- Can you handle a relationship?
If you’re not positive that you want to keep this guy in your life, then making a big deal out of it is just needless drama, but if you want to keep him around, then there are a bunch of things you need to do. Yes YOU!
Right now, he’s doing all the work to keep you two in communication. You need to fix this ASAP! He doesn’t want a relationship with someone who’s “just playing along with him.” If you love him (or really like him), then you have to at least meet him half way. Call him. Do it! Right now! Give him some hope that you might actually be just perfect for him. Unless he’s a total player, he’s probably asking himself the same questions right now. You’re not really showing him any signs to move things forward so he’s just going to stay where he is only partially into your life.
Ask yourself why you always keep your emotions in check with men. Is there some kind of childhood trauma that makes you anxious when you attach to someone or have you simply had your heart broken before? I’m sorry to say this so directly, but if you are simply dealing with a past heartbreak, GET OVER IT! Are you really going to spend your life living it half-way because some asshole taught you a lesson about how crazy the world can be? Are you going to never ever get what you want out of life because some dude put a scar on your heart?
If you decide to love someone, then love the shit of them! Obviously, there’s a chance this guy could break your heart too, but instead of waiting for something crappy to happen. Live your life the way to want to and if it happens, it’s will. You should be excited for all that awesome breakup sex!
Was that too much?
Let’s say that you aren’t carrying around a broken heart and it actually was childhood trauma. Go talk to a counselor. Seriously, get some things off your chest and find a way to move forward with your life.
Your initial fears may be right. He may be just waiting for someone better to come along, but so are you. Step back a bit and examine every angle. You might just discover the man of your dreams is right there in front of you. All you have to do now is make him excited to keep you.