I’m still grieving over my ex
by Laura L.
(Florida, USA)
I had a 3 year relationship with this guy who treated me badly and was abusive because he used to be an abused child himself. But since I had a low self esteem and my own issues when I was growing up, I went on with it. I loved him tremendously and suffered a lot.
Then he finally broke up with me. I was devastated. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. After a month I met a new guy and he wanted to start a relationship with me but it was very difficult for me since I was still grieving for my ex. But he treated me so nicely, was so kind and gentle and I felt like his words were healing my wounds so I continued going out with him without committing to start a new relationship. I didn’t know if this was just a rebound relationship or I truly liked that man.
Anyway, after another month, my ex called and he wanted me back. I felt torn apart, I was just starting to rebuild my life and I didn’t know what to do. I was also feeling a great need of helping my ex as he was heartbroken and very depressed. I know all this wasn’t healthy, that I should have been stronger and not consumed by guilt and needs of acting like a rescuer but I was really confused about what I should do.
I knew getting back with my ex would mean that I would have to be constantly in pain again as I knew he wouldn’t change. So finally I told my ex I couldn’t get together with him again, but that I will be there for him as a friend. I know this isn’t healthy either but I couldn’t help myself.
Meanwhile I told the new guy what it’s going on and that I need a break to figure out what to do. Nothing worked, of course. My ex didn’t respect the boundaries I had put and I wasn’t decided enough and strong enough to defend them either. And the new guy felt frustrated and wanted more, so I finally decided to end any communication with the new guy and now I am trying to fight to move on whilst still talking to my ex.
I know it is said that this wont work out, but I hope it will and when I will be strong and in peace again I will have transformed the love I feel for my ex in a fraternal love and I will be able to move on and have a new boyfriend without feeling guilty or like I’m betraying anyone. I think that you just as me had the tendency to see the new guy’s behavior as perfect as opposed to what we lived.
In my case the new guy had some issues also, whilst we were in a break, he started criticizing me for several things, but I figured he might do that to protect himself. Still, sometimes I feel I blew the chance of my life to be happy and to be with someone who would treat me right, but I think also that we should concentrate more in being happy with ourselves and moving on from our pains and only then to start something new, otherwise we might get a distorted view of the reality and make wrong choices again and again, but it’s so hard since I’m still grieving over my ex.