I’ve been separated for just over 2 years. Life has really changed for me. My husband of 20 years is now looking after our two teenage boys and I have been living on my own for the past 17 months. I just turned 49.

Weekly, if not daily, I go through a gamut of emotions. I love my freedom, yet I rely on financial support of my ex. I feel guilty about breaking up our family yet how could I have stayed in an unhappy, unfulfilled marriage any longer…… I had to leave.

As for dating, well that has been scary, exciting, though sometimes frustrating and sad. I am on the search for ‘LOVE’; love that will be unconditional, love that will be inspiring, passionate, and long lasting and love that has total trust, support and commitment from one and other. Now, that’s a tall order to fill!

Since being separated, I’ve had a few amazing men in my life. I call them ‘my possible soul mates’. Unfortunately these relationships have not turned out quite the way I intended and I ended up being totally devastated upon learning that they don’t feel the same way about me as I do towards them. Yes, they loved being with me, they loved ‘making love’ to me, but weren’t ‘in love’ with me. What a crushing blow that is.

Anxiety, depression and even panic would ensue. Just the thought of being alone terrified me. At times, I felt like I was going to die. However, I survived and a few days later, there it was, my computer, beckoning me, summoning me. Craving physical and emotion connection, the dating games began again. Plenty of Fish, JDate, Evow, EHarmony, etc., emails, texting, chatting, coffee dates, lunches, dinners, movies, kissing, cuddling, touching, sex, and finally, the ‘Big S’, Sleepovers.

‘Soul mate’ is a strange and fascinating word. I believe that a person can have more than one soul mate over the period of a life time. However, one person alone cannot make that happen. Two souls have to find each other and that is a very difficult and sometimes lengthy task. I have a very big heart and my heart is totally open for love and I know that at some point in my life, I will find love again and I will openly and lovingly accept it. Maybe we’ll find each other.

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