Lying About My Ex
by Hopeless
New York
So… I dated a guy from the age of 14-20 on and off. I was so crazy about him and did whatever I could to make things work while he treated me like crap, lied, and cheated. He finally broke it off completely with me because he couldn’t take my craziness about him and wanted some space away from me.
The next few months were hell for me, and he started dating another girl on top of that. I met a guy after a few months and he added me on his Facebook… then MSN… then started calling me, etc.
I could tell he really liked me and I thought he was an awesome guy too. We started getting closer and closer until we started going out (6 months after I had broken up with my long-term ex). I had initially told him at the very beginning that I’m still not completely over my ex and that it bothers me sometimes. But, at the same time, I didn’t want to give up my chance of starting what could be a great long term relationship with this new guy. He was cool and understanding about it and we hit it off from the start. We had an amazing relationship together, spending every moment of last summer together.
Then things started going downhill.
I bumped into my ex and we started catching up on things… then started talking on the phone for long periods of time. I did not tell my boyfriend any of this because I knew he wouldn’t be OK with it but for some reason I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.
I tried justifying the fact that I was talking to my ex on the phone behind my boyfriend’s back by saying that my bf is too overprotective and would never understand. It’s hard for me to cut someone like my ex out of my life considering me and him pretty much grew up together and it’s weird to not be able to talk to him. However, I obviously know what I was doing was wrong and unfair to my bf so I told my ex we should stop talking. So that was that.
Then one day, my boyfriend saw all the calls from the ex on my phone bill and he flipped out, of course. This was in January. Our relationship was completely ruined because of me and how much I lied to him. He forgave me and I promised him I would never do it again.
A few months went by and he drove me crazy because he didn’t trust me with a single thing. Even if I went to my sisters house he thought I was meeting up and lying about my ex. If I didn’t pickup his calls on time or if I took too long to call him back he would interrogate me and it drove me insane. I began to feel like this was going nowhere even after I stopped myself from talking to my ex.
Nothing was getting better between me and my boyfriend. At times when I felt horrible, I began calling my ex. It was always nice to talk to him and catch up on things. Of course, once again, I did not tell my bf and, once again, he found out because of some program he put on my laptop.
When he asked me if I had been talking to him again, I said no. Then he showed me proof that he knows I was talking to him and that’s the end of that. I feel like a complete idiot and don’t know what to do. Well there’s not much I can do. He told me he’s not mad at me but he’s completely heart broken. He handled it well… considering it happened again. So that’s that and we are over (this just happened last night).
My boyfriend is a great guy and I took him for granted. He was there for me through thick and thin and never lied to me. I won’t ever find a guy like him, but for some reason I just can’t stop keeping in touch and lying about my ex. I have no intention of getting back together with my ex even though he wants to. If I could have one wish it would be for my bf to trust me and treat me right even though I know I don’t deserve it and all that would matter to me is us being happy.
If we could be happy and have a healthy relationship where he’s not constantly accusing me and interrogating me, I would be happy with him and give up my ex in a heartbeat. I only go to my ex in times of weakness: when I feel like I can’t bear the relationship with my bf. Now my bf is gone… and I don’t care about my ex. I lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my life because I was lying about my ex. I don’t know what to do.
I apologized and told him that I’m sure he’ll find someone a million times better than me and it’s not him who has issues (like I always used to say), it’s me.
I’m so tired of telling people around me about this and they’re tired of hearing about it so I thought I’d try this blog thing out (first time blogging like this..)
Please give me some feedback although I’m pretty sure most of you will tell me I’m an idiot and I lost my only chance.
Our Breakup Advice to You
There’s a bigger problem here…
I’m not about to call you an idiot and I’m actually kind of happy you’re out of both relationships. Let’s look at your ex. You dated this guy from 14 to 20. You probably knew him since grade school. So you have known him nearly half your life and have been with him almost all your adult life.
The problem is that he’s a lying, cheating jerk, right? That doesn’t make it any less difficult to get over. Your ex is still most of what you know about love. 6 months is not long enough to get to the point where you can look at what happened objectively. So keeping in touch a way for you to figure out what went wrong. You feel compelled to do this because you two used to be so close and your first love (possibly your first lover) will always be someone you’ll never forget.
Then we get to the current ex-boyfriend…
You dated within 6 months of getting out of the last one. Not always a recipe for success, but still worth a try.
You say that he was the greatest thing that ever happened, but I strongly disagree. Why? Because he was so jealous and untrusting that he put software on your laptop to monitor you! That is not normal behavior! That is not something you do to someone you love!
Sure, you were talking to your ex behind his back. You lied about your ex. You even lied about your ex again when confronted, but that doesn’t excuse that he had to snoop to see your phone records. He “interrogated” you on numerous occasions about everything you did and did some serious (if not illegal) snooping to catch you again.
This really isn’t something he had to do because you were lying about your ex, this is something he was DRIVEN to do because he is a jealous idiot. Jealous guys are not great boyfriends. As you have seen, it drives you insane.
It’s easy to think that you’ve destroyed something precious here because you are still a little lost over your ex, but when dealing with jealousy, things can (and will) only get worse. Imagine yourself five years from now with your boyfriend. He still won’t trust you. He might set up some kind of tracking device on your car to know where you’re going… By then, you would be way over your ex, but jealous guys only know that you are not to be trusted.
What to do now
First off, you might consider looking into Panic Away to explore your feelings and help you get over your ex. But you really need to look into why you end up with guys who mistreat you and don?t trust you. Stop accepting less than you deserve and thinking you deserve less.