by Rose McFarland
(San Jose, CA)
My ex (from just a few hours ago) and I have been together for about a year. But the first 4 to 5 months we were just friends because that’s how he wanted it. We both had been hurt several times and his last girlfriend lied a lot. Now he has trust issues.
Even when we were friends, he used to accuse me of not being honest without any just cause. It was sooo hard. Then we fell in love and even talked of marriage.
He searched me on the internet to try to find things about me and didn’t find anything.
I have even given him my pass codes to my email, cell phone and, the last thing, my new apartment key just so he would trust me. Because his computer was acting up this morning, he thinks I’m someone who knows computers (and I don’t) and is messing up his computer files and things. So he tells me he is tired off all the bullshit and tells me I’m a liar and to leave.
I told him not to do this again. He starts doubting me every 2 to 3 months. This time I’m so hurt. He was supposed to help me move I have 6 days left and now I can’t even focus. We were fine the days prior. We did things with his 8 year old daughter and my 11 year old son like always. I’m so hurt for our kids because we are like a family already and now he does this to all of us.
I’m 46 and thought wow this is my true love. What’s happening? I’m so so so sad. My son is with his dad this week so he is unaware of our situation. What do I do?
Our Answer
Can you continue?
I guess the big question is can you continue to be with a man who doubts your every move? Is it worth it? Can you live with his trust issues?
A relationship needs to be built on trust and if he still can’t trust who you, then my guess is he will never trust you. I understand after being hurt in a previous relationship it takes time to gain that trust back. But if you truly want a new relationship to work, a person needs to work on themselves in order to clear away their demons and doubts.
I find that many times when a person is critical in some area in their life, it’s a reflection of who they are inside. To me, what you’ve described sounds like he doubts himself to the very core. Until he can start trusting his choices, he can’t trust you.
I understand what it is like when you have children that adore the other partner – I’ve been there. But they will survive and so will you if you choose to end the relationship and hold out for something better.
So my suggestion is to stop and ask yourself what do YOU want? Forget about him, his trust issues, your child, his child and every one else. Figure out what you want first. A good idea is to sit down and write a list of everything positive in the relationship and everything negative on the other side. Then figure out what you NEED and DESIRE in a relationship. If you still want to try it with him, sit down and communicate how you feel and what you need.
Good luck!
Crystal