“I Don’t Want Sex”
“This is the first time I’ve done this, but I think the man that I have been with for over 30 years may be lying to me. He says that he gets pain in his groin area up to his stomach and headaches if he gets no sex. He says that masturbation does not help much (only a little).
Is it true or is he just trying to get more than I want to give?
I do let him have it a few times a year to keep him quiet so he cannot say he does not get it. I’m not interested in any sex at all of any kind. I don’t want sex. I do not fantasize, masturbate, or think about sex at all.
How do I keep him and not have to have any sex at all and he does not have any other woman? He is a good partner: he cooks for me, cleans the house, takes me places, and makes breakfast every day. Now he is getting angry and snappy at me a lot more. Plus he’s old, fat, and not as attractive. He did have a vasectomy for me about 24 years ago and that helped my concern about getting pregnant again.
So how do I get him around to seeing that I don’t want sex? What do I say to him and change him for our better? I do not know if I can put up with this much longer.”
I Don’t Want Sex: The Relationship Killer
We passed this letter around the office because none of us wanted to answer a question about “I don’t want sex.” Since I’m a guy, I think it’s best that I give you a little of my perspective.
…but I have to say that this letter made my stomach hurt too!
As much as I hate to tell you this: yes he is lying. The myth of blue balls has been around as long as high school has been in existence. It was a weak last attempt to get a girl to sleep with you if only to relieve the unbelievable anguish a young man would have from getting no release. As boys, we’ve all said it at one point in our young adult lives. And to my knowledge, it has never worked on a young woman… ever.
It’s not all myth though. Having an erection for an extra-long-high-school-backseat-makeout session can be as painful as having a bladder full of pee. To date, no young men in the world have died from “unloved boner-itus.” So rejoice in the fact that you are right that your husband of 30 years is lying to you…
…or not. I hope you can see how sad and pathetic it is for a man over forty to claim pain from not having enough sex from his wife. This letter made us all very sad. He sounds more like an indentured slave than the man you loved enough to marry. And your reasons for wanting to keep him: he makes breakfast?!!
Somewhere there is a man desperate for affection while you claim “I don’t want sex.” Before anyone gets angry, I do not deny that a diminished or missing libido in women is a very real affliction and there are possibly millions of reasons why you don’t want sex, but that doesn’t make this any less tragic for both people in this marriage.
I Don’t Want Sex: The Reasons
I would like you to look at your feelings for this man. You have said he’s old and fat and not attractive, but he’s given 30 years of his life to you! Most of us head in that direction as we age! What I’d like to ask you instead is: do you truly love this man? Does he make you feel anything other than the fleeting joy that he cleans and takes you places? Why did you marry him?
If you looked inside (past the “I don’t want sex” part of you) and saw there are so many reasons that you do love this man, then we are going to have to work hard to keep him.
If you can’t really find any reasons why you love him, then PLEASE let him go and stop being so selfish.
Getting back to you loving him. If you actually do love him, then you have a long road ahead, but it will all be worth it. The best thing you can do is go talk to a therapist about why you are saying “I don’t want sex.” There could be any number of factors affecting you loss of sex drive, some might be physical, but it’s also likely that something happened to you when you were young that gave you such a negative view of sex.
You might discover something and this will put you on the road to engaging your own body and your loving (and very frustrated) husband. It’s also possible you might find some really sad memories that you will now have to deal with.
I know this sounds scary, but do you really want to go through the rest of your life with a hidden memory stuck in your brain making you miserable? Give it a chance and talk to a professional about how you feel about this whole issue.
I Don’t Want Sex for Medical Reasons?
What if you simply have a different body chemistry that prevents you from thinking about sex? This is the next most common issue that some women face in their marriages and relationships. You just don’t have all the sexy hormones rolling through your body. This is great because it’s an easy fix.
There are tons of big pharma concoctions on the market that are the “female Viagra” equivalent, but before we need to pump you full of chemicals, let’s start with some really common supplements that might kick start your sex life. Botanic Choice makes a great supplement blend called Passion-Ess that gently encourages a healthy libido as well as their Damiana Leaves Capsules that help with the entire genito-urinary tract.
Supplements generally take a little while to build up in the system before you feel full effect, so try these for a couple weeks and see how you feel about intimacy after that.
Not Wanting Sex is Killing Your Relationship
You say your husband is getting angry and snappy at you; can you blame him? He’s starting to realize that you don’t want him. Even though this could be an entirely unrelated issue, he still feels your rejection just the same. And to him, it can only mean one thing: “She doesn’t want me or love me so I might as well cheat or leave.”
I don’t want there to be any mistake about what I am about to say: if you don’t at least give your husband a little daily affection of some kind to let him know that you still love him, he will either cheat or leave. You’ve already said you don’t want him to have other women, but if he’s at the point of pulling high school tactics on you to have naked time with you, he is not much further from doing something drastic.
At this point, the next logical question is : what is worse? Cheating or Divorce? They both suck and could actually both happen, but you are giving him no outlet to show you how much he loves you.
And NO, sex a few times a year is not sex, it’s pity.
If you want to keep him, then you are going to have to give him some freedom if sex is still out of the question for you. If you can’t even fathom the thought of him with someone else, then I’m gonna give the worst case scenario: he will leave you.
Unlike women, men express their emotions physically. To him, sex is a way to show you that he still loves you. If he doesn’t get an outlet for that, then he can’t love you because he doesn’t consider cleaning the house and cooking for you as love gestures. What other way is there to prove himself? If you leave him with none, he will go after the first thing that gives him an outlet.
Make no mistake, your 30 year marriage is in big danger every time you say “I don’t want sex.”
The only thing that can save your relationship is you. And unlike your final questions, making him see it your way is just another nail in the coffin. When someone in a relationship is not getting as much sex as they truly desire, they feel like a caged animal and desperately search for ways to scratch that itch.
I would never suggest you simply suck it up and sleep with him to shut him up, but you WILL have to communicate with him and show a little effort by talking to a professional. If he thinks you are working through your issues with sex, he will wait. But you have to start this process soon or it will be the end of your relationship.
I don’t envy you. You have made a big step by saying “I don’t want sex,” but there are two people in this relationship and one of them is “hurting” because he wants to show affection so badly. Try to find a way so you both can compromise in a way that feels fair and keeps your love alive.
I wish you luck and hope you choose love!
~Roberto
The Art of Irresistible