My boyfriend is addicted to porn
Is this normal for my boyfriend to look at porn?
By Lauren
(via Facebook)
I have been struggling a lot recently coming to terms with the fact my boyfriend watches porn. He assures me it’s a normal thing for guys to do, and that he only does it if we argue or he’s bored. But I can’t help but question if it’s personal about me? Is it because I’m not good enough? Also is it normal? Or is he attracted to the women in the porn. I would be grateful to hear it from someone professional, rather than him assuring me. We’ve been together almost two years, I’m 19 and he’s 21, but he’s had this for a while and he knows it makes me feel insecure, but he assures me it’s normal for a guy to use porn?
Does he love porn more than you?
Let’s start with your first concerns about his porn addiction and how you compare. For guys, looking at porn rarely has anything to do with you. In the internet age where you can type just about anything into a search engine and come up with at least a handful of pornographic results, naked pictures and videos rule the internet. It’s EVERYWHERE!
You can now think of any kind of sexual kink or proclivity and within moments, you can find a website telling and showing you all about it. The fact that it is so easily searchable makes it a reality for just about every man (and woman) with a screen and an internet connection.
The problem arises when it starts to leak into relationships. I want to state this right up front: it’s perfectly normal for you to feel threatened! This man you love spends a portion of his time looking at other women doing things that you might or might not be willing to do and it hurts. The good news is that for most men, they are pretty good at distinguishing fantasy from reality. There probably isn’t a guy alive that isn’t aware of photoshop and that the women depicted in these images are all doctored up in some way. They don’t look at porn and then look at you and think of you less.
It’s kinda sad to admit, but most guys don’t feel anything for the women in porn. You could build software to remove the faces of every woman from every image and it wouldn’t matter. They are mostly more interested in looking at the naughty bits anyway.
Why is that?
Humans are one of three species on this planet that get aroused from seeing others have sex. Some scientists believe it stems from our prehistoric times when monogamy wasn’t really a thing. Basically, if a caveman hears some other cavepeople going at it, he’s excited because he might be next. There are a couple great books about this: the mind-bending Sperm Wars and the excellently researched Sex at Dawn. While you’re at it, The Ethical Slut explains so much more about your sexuality that it’s definitely worth a read!
So dudes are essentially following their genetic drives when they look at porn. It really has nothing to do with you that he’s addicted to porn.
The REAL problem with porn
Although your boyfriend is correct in stating that it’s pretty normal for a guy to use porn, there are limits to this. What KINDS of porn he looks at will give you a deeper understanding at how deep he’s into it. Most men never really stray past the naked lady/regular sex genres. This totally satisfies his caveman urges and he can get on with the rest of his day. If he’s looking at more advanced stuff with very specific things, then he might also have a fetish. All of us on this website think that fetishes are perfectly cool. Some are kinda gross. Some are kinda creepy. Some are just meh, but there are others like rape porn, bestiality, and pedophilia (to just name a few) that are problematic. Besides the illegality of some of it, it’s just plain wrong.
If your boyfriend is getting into darker subject with his porn, then you need to be concerned.
Otherwise, your guy is just kinda doing what most guys his age are doing. If it bothers you, you can ask him never to do it when you’re around and to be civilized about it by never leaving his evidence around.
Other issues in being addicted to porn
Some guys just can’t handle it and take things way too far. Over-consumption of porn can really mess up his life. When you watch too much of any one thing, the brain starts to see it in everything. Pretty soon, he can’t have regular sex with his lovely girlfriend without thinking about it. This leads to a very disconnected sexual intimacy and might also cause erectile dysfunction.
The book, Your Brain on Porn has fascinating insight on how it affects so many people’s lives. If you’re really concerned about your boyfriend, this is where you should start.
For now, it’s there and it’s annoying, but he’s not doing it to hurt you. He might or might not be addicted to porn, but it’s not getting into any weird places. And for the most part, it shouldn’t have any affect on your relationship… as long as he doesn’t take it too far!