“How can you get what you want out of relationships?”
Knowing how to get what you want out of relationships is one of the most important skills you can have. If you’re happy, he’s happy… Here’s a question from one of our readers:
Hey Love Gurus!
I have this problem that I think I’ve had for just about my whole dating life. I never seem to get a feeling like I will ever get what I want out of relationships with the men in my life.
I know I’ve come close, but there always seems to be a big emptiness in some aspect of our relationship. And yes, I know waiting for the perfect guy to come along and have everything I’m looking for is just silly although I spent the bulk of my twenties trying to figure that one out.
Is it just me? Why do I seem to feel like you can’t get what you want out of relationships ever?
Maybe I’m just being unrealistic?
Getting what you want
You’re not being unrealistic here, Nela. Many women struggle with the thought that they have yet to get what they want out of their relationships. It’s like no matter how happy you can be in a relationship, there is something missing so there can never be true freedom to just bask in the glory of perfect love.
There are two things that are at work here and sometimes we blind ourselves as to which reality is actually the real one. One has to do with your man, the other has to do with your expectations.
Take a look at your man
This is the easy part because we all like to focus our energy outward and fix other people instead of examining ourselves. What kind of guy have you brought into your life? How does he make you feel loved, how does he make you feel special? How does he romance you? How does he love you?
It is important to look at all angles here. Of course, this guy is doing some of the things that delight you to no end, but how is he doing on some of the things you absolutely need from your relationships? Many people discover that they are having so much fun with the sweetness and the design of the frosting that they hardly recognize that there really is no cake. They are getting so much superficial attention that it distracts them from the things they really want, be it a deep love, someone who completely understands them, or even just respect.
Do you have room to grow?
Finding a cute guy who you can have fun with is exceedingly easy. Finding one that you can grow with takes a lot more effort. Getting what you want out of relationships has more to do about personal growth than most people give it credit. Barring horrible or abusive relationships, many (dare I say MOST?) long term relationships fail due to stagnation. One day comes along that you realize that you know exactly what is about to happen next and you are uninspired.
Some people absolutely can’t wait for the love part to settle in so they can finally relax and just be in love. All the uncertainty of getting to know someone new is terrifying to them so they rush to be comfortable. The problem is they wake up three years later realizing there is nothing passionate going on in their lives. It’s really easy to look at that person sitting across from you and know that this is all his fault. He let this happen!
The truth is that guys are actually very accommodating people. If you want things easy, they are more than willing to oblige. If you want him to wrestle bulls every day to prove his love, he will make that happen and love that he has a way to prove himself to you. The trick on learning how to get what you want in your relationships is to never accept the easiest option. Always push him and yourself for something greater. You might think this is being a bitch and this is definitely one way to approach it, but what if your “demands” were always made from a totally playful place?
What if he knew that without a doubt, he would be graciously rewarded for fulfilling any of your requests? Can you see how every dragon you ask him to slay is a chance for both of you to grow closer? It gives him a chance to show you by his actions that he can provide for you. It gives you a chance to show him how grateful you are that he’s in your life and working his butt off to prove how awesome he really is.
Guys will give as much as they need to in order to feel loved. You can take this in a couple directions: you can never make demands and just love him. OR, you can always give him a reason to fight hard for your love and you can reward him with treats and favours and flirting and your sexuality. Either way will work fine, but I will always choose the option that stretches that honeymoon love phase out for as long as humanly possible!!! Now these are just simple concepts, but if you really want to crawl deeper into what this is all about, there is a brilliant book on the subject! It’s called Rousing the Lion and if you’ve read anything else on this website, you’ll see that we really can’t say enough about this book. It has all the concepts and directions on how to keep your man crazy in love with you forever!
Getting what you want through flirting
Why do so many people think that once you tell someone you love them it is the end of flirting?
Flirting is the best part about relationships. Flirting is about speaking a secret language with someone else that no one else knows is going on. Flirting has all the best things wrapped up in it: secrets, innuendo, sex, desire, lust, attention, the unknown… Flirting is freakin’ awesome!
If you don’t feel like you get what you want from your boyfriend/husband/lover, take a step back and examine how much you are actually flirting with him. Think about your love as a burrito. It has all of the rice and beans and all the other things you might expect to sustain you. Flirting is like topping that whole thing off with a delicious sauce and then slapping on some sour cream and guacamole and pico de gallo. You can even shake on a few dashes of hot sauce (or you can smother it in spicy!). Flirting helps both you and him to know how desirable they truly are.
If you’re feel like you’re not really getting what you want from him or you’re worried about your man having wandering eyes, then you be the one to make him feel wanted! Knowing how to be an endlessly playful woman will actually encourage your fella to always want to keep you happy. Do you have any friends who are so delightful that you just want to smother them in gifts and affection? This sentiment can work in your favour too! Even the most brilliant and important man secretly wishes his love was a playful and naughty nymph. Don’t you think it’s about time you really embrace The Secrets of Flirting with Men?
If you really want to take this to nuclear levels, then there is one of our favourite secret weapons. Check out the AMAZING Text the Romance Back. Have you ever considered that texting is one of the most powerful ways to flirt? This little eBook is about to change how your relationships work forever…
Think about your expectations
Now comes the hard part. Getting what you want from your relationships is a delicate dance with another human being who has all of his own ideas how he wants things to go. Celebrating his needs (even if they are completely strange) is something that keeps relationships healthy.
Have you ever considered that you might not be able to get what you want out of relationships because your expectations are beyond what your man (or possibly any man) can ever provide? I have a friend, Susan, who is obsessed with romance novels. She loves the idea of being truly captivated by the intense chemistry of a very deep and complicated, but very attentive man.
Who is she kidding?
Romance is not something men bathe in like some women do with an endless barrage of romantic comedies, romance novels, Disney movies, and vivid daydreams about being taken by the sensitive bad boy whom we make into powerful puppy dogs using only a shake of our bottoms and a well-timed wink. Your guy has a life to live and bills to take care of. If he’s permanently romantic like you are wishing for, then he’s probably not very manly. Or if he’s incredibly attentive, then he probably doesn’t have a real job to obsess over.
Give a guy a break! I’m in no way asking you to lower your expectations, but I am suggesting that he might be giving all he knows how to. The trick to getting him to be more romantic or more attentive is to give him more romance and attention! Don’t throw away a perfectly good guy that has never had to contemplate what it means to be lived by love until you show him what that means. Without you, he just might not ever get it.
This might just be that one moment where you are telling yourself, “I just have very high standards!” Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT! Have you found a guy that inspires you? Have you found someone who has given your life a new, deeper meaning? Do you have a guy who makes all of your last boyfriends look like giant newborns by comparison? Does he make you feel safe–like home? Have you uncovered a lover who you feel really gets you on a level that you thought only your mom does? If yes, then please just quiet your mind and explore with this gentleman for awhile. See where else he can lead you. If no, but you think things are heading in a good direction, then once again: stop it! Let things happen at his pace and see where you’re at a couple months from now.
Of course, it’s entirely possible that you answered no to all of my questions. In that case, now it might be time to consider you might not get what you want from this man. But if he’s ringing bells in you that you have never heard before, please give him a chance before you let all of those inevitable doubts crawl into your head.
Want more love? Love more!
In every good relationship, there is always a built in “equity.” This is where you both feel that you are getting very close to what you give. I am not proposing you start a running tally. That would just drive you insane. But people who actually get love try to make you feel as loved as they feel.
Figuring out how to get what you want from your lover is less about crawling under his hood and tinkering with his emotions and everything to do with what you are willing to give. If you are holding back waiting for him to bring it, then unconsciously, he is doing the same. If you dive in with both feet and love fearlessly, he will definitely feel it and definitely feel compelled to push himself to make you feel as loved.
Now this doesn’t mean that if you give crazy enveloping love to a jerk that he will turn into a purring pussy cat for you. Some jerks will always be self-serving jerks. You can’t get a narcissist to ever see your true beauty because they are too wrapped up in their own. Make sure you are starting with a great guy to begin with before you try all of these techniques on him to make your man into a brooding lover.
To actually get what you want out of relationships, you need to discover how to engage a man on many different levels. The best part is that none of this is at all difficult and it’s a whole lot of fun! Go get him, girl!