““He’s having an emotional affair. I’m not sure how to feel.””
If you’ve caught your man in an emotional affair, here are some things you need to consider:
Question Submitted by, Confused from California
My husband is in an emotional affair. I caught him cheating by finding his phone records. He had been calling the same number for four months. I had no idea he was cheating because he did not follow any of the normal signs of cheating. I checked up on him because it was happening to a girlfriend and it made me wonder.
When I confronted him, he admitted to several meetings with this other woman and phone conversations. No actual intercourse, touching or kissing.
All of a sudden he has been acting as if I am diserable to him. Wanting more affection than usual. I am so confused. Should I believe him? Why is he wanting me more than he ever has before? Is an emotional affair really that big of a deal? Please help me.
What is an emotional affair?
Emotional cheating happens when someone in a relationship gets involved with someone else on a deep emotional level. This doesn’t (or doesn’t yet) involve sex or physical contact.
If you ask 100 people whether an emotional affair is as bad as a sexual affair, you will hear 100 different answers. Some people think it’s fine as long as there is no sex. Some people think it’s worse than a sexual affair because the emotional connection he build with another woman could lead to LOVE. Some people think that any cheating is cheating.
The jury is also out on what to do after an emotional affair. Do you dump him? Is the relationship worth saving? Did he really do something that bad? Now is a really hard space to be in for the victim of emotional cheating.
So where are you with this whole situation? On one hand, he’s seeking closeness with another woman. On the other, it didn’t reach the level of a full blown affair. What’s a girl to do? It’s time to really investigate how you really feel right now? It all starts with asking yourself the really tough questions: how much do you really love this guy? what does a split or a divorce mean to you and your plans for the future? Can you get back to trusting him? There is an excellent resource you need to really get a handle on where YOU ARE emotionally. The book, Should You Stay or Should You Go will point you in the right direction. It goes through all the things you should be considering right now. If you are confused about where to go from here in any way, this book helps give you clarity on how to move forward in a smart way that is best for you. Don’t make any decisions about this emotional affair that you will regret later without knowing EXACTLY how you will feel about it in the future. Regret is one of the worst emotions…
Is emotional cheating really that bad?
Unfortunately, most people consider sex to be end-all definition of infidelity. The fact remains that he is getting really close with another person that he could start an all-in affair with. Sure there might be all kinds of circumstances that prevent both of them from actually going into the sexual side of this “relationship,” but what is really happening here?
He is searching for an emotional connection with someone else that he doesn’t have with you. Before you get too upset of that statement or defend yourself with, “We have an EMOTIONAL connection!”, consider that there are all kinds of emotional connections you can have with someone. Anyone can tell you this if they have ever dated someone way too smart or way too stupid for them. When dating someone way smarter than you, there will always be aspects of communication that you just “won’t get.” There’s that missing piece of the connection that will never fully meet. If he’s way too stupid, you find yourself “dumbing down” what you talk about just to engage him.
There are thousands of different ways that two people can’t connect and especially in long-term relationships, this is exactly what we find ourselves craving. In relationships where two people are of vastly different ages, both seek to talk to someone who shared their generational issues. In relationships where both people are very masculine or feminine in their interactions, they sometimes crave someone who is their girlfriend’s or wife’s opposite. These days, it’s a snap to get online an have an internet affair. To him, it seems completely harmless as long as no sex happens.
Yes, you definitely have a connection with him, the issue is when he is seeking an personality trait that you don’t have. Then you’ll find him on the road to an emotional affair to get what he doesn’t from you. The important thing to take away from this is to realize that this behavior is completely natural. Seeking the interactions we can’t get from the one we love happens all the time. There is something that feels like home in these people, like finding someone who reminds him of his mother (or other female figures from his past).
Want to save the relationship?
Sweet! Here’s where things get good! Recovering from an emotional affair and making your relationship as strong as it was takes three things. The first and most important step is to put him on a quest! He got caught and feels like an ass which is why he is so much more affectionate with you than he was before. He wants to make things right and turning ultra-sexual is his best idea. It might not be the best idea for you, but he’s trying to commit and this is the way he thinks he can win you back. It’s time to really give him a chance to make things right for you. There is no better way than Rousing the Lion! It’s a downloadable book that you can get right away and start putting into action tonight. We can’t say enough amazing things about it. Keeping your man (and keeping him in love) is a daily process. This program teaches you to think about love and turn your man back into a warrior. A guy who’s once again willing to fight for you. In the process, your man rediscovers how really awesome you are.
If you give him something to fight for, he will prove himself and he will prove he’s sorry for his emotional affair.
Let him speak
The second step is to COMMUNICATE. He got into emotional infidelity because there are things he felt he just couldn’t connect with you on. Or maybe there are things that he keeps hidden because he feels you will judge him in one way or another. He is desperate to communicate! This is why the emotional affair happened in the first place.
It’s time to have an “Honesty Session” where both of you get to say exactly what you are feeling. You have to promise each other, that you will NEVER exploit what is said or judge what is said. This stuff needs to be heard in order to strengthen the relationship.
Be warned: he might say some things that might really hurt you if you don’t pay attention to what he really wants. You can be devastated that he says he’s not sexually attracted to you any more, OR you can be energized that it’s something so easy and commit to doing something about it! You can choose to be crushed if he tells you that he got into an emotional affair with this other woman because she was so smart and well-traveled, OR you can advance your career with a College Degree. First get yourself hooked up with some cheap to free financial aid and then choose a degree program in a growing career and show him you can be the smarty pants he’s got the hots for!
See how this works? When you truly listen to the things he needs behind what he is saying, then you know what you can do to keep him.
Become the Diva!
We’ve already touched on this a little already, but the last step is to be be the best wife/girlfriend/lover you can possibly be. He can’t possibly stray to another emotional (or sexual) affair if you are irresistibly attractive on many levels. Long relationships tend to stagnate. People get comfortable and stop trying to captivate their loved ones. Things get predictable and boring. Never let this happen! Keep your man on his toes.
The only way to do this is to realize that improving yourself is a permanent and life-long goal. If you’re not learning new stuff, finding new interests, discovering more about each other, working on being healthy, and reinventing yourself, your relationship (and all further relationships) is doomed to the same fate.
Let’s start with the most pressing matter: your relationship. How much do you really know about each other? Have you ever sat down and asked all the silly, interesting, and deep questions that you’ve always wanted to know? Now is the time to do it! 1000 Questions for Couples is exactly what you need right now. Discover who his heros are. Find out what he values most. And really get into his head and heart in a fun and meaningful way.
He wants sex. Give it to him! Now it’s more important than ever to explore your fantasies. He’s desperate to please you and to have you forgive him for his emotional affair. He wants back in your heart. If you can reach him with your sexuality, he will NEVER stray again. The book, The REAL Secrets of Sex is a great place to start. Tell him what you want and impress him with your knowledge!
Think about it as the “whole you” approach… It’s a whole new way of thinking that will put you in the mindset to being so awesome, so committed to being the lover, so into your man that he won’t even consider another emotional affair.
Pace yourself
We’ve given you a lot of information about what to do after an emotional affair right here. It’s so easy to look at this huge list of required reading and decide it’s just not worth it. No matter if you stay in this relationship or not, one thing is certain: the better you are as a complete person, the better relationships will be. Whether you decide to stay with him or not, you will always find yourself in the same situations if you don’t do something about it!
Becoming the diva doesn’t happen over night. This is something you must understand now that will take your whole life to accomplish. That takes a little pressure off the situation. For now, you need to figure out how you feel about your husband, yourself, and the emotional affair. Be honest!
Once you have figured out your situation, now it’s time to put him on a quest and start working on your life. Get one or two books now to get you on track, but definitely come back for more information as you read and apply what you’ve learned.
You could look at emotional affairs and internet infidelity as the crushing end to something that used to be so perfect. You could, or you could see it as a near miss to a tragic accident and a wake up call to do everything you can to make your relationship bulletproof.