My Boyfriend is addicted to porn and can’t get hard during sex
Question from Whitney, 28
South Dakota
My relationship has a pretty serious problem. My boyfriend is addicted to porn. Who cares, right? Let me start by saying I have no problem with pornography. I’ve been known to watch a little whenever I’m alone and needing a little stimulation. My boyfriend and I have watched it together a few times in the past and I thought it was pretty hot.
The problem is that he moved an hour away for a new job so we don’t see each other every day like we used to. An hour isn’t much so we still see each other several times a week. Lately though, he’s been having problems getting hard when we have sex.
He’s 25 which seems like he’s way too young to have erection issues. When I asked him about it, he admitted he has been watching porn a lot these days. He said “a lot” with much more emphasis than I liked. It kinda creeped me out a bit.
He’s great and I love him, but our sex life is lousy and it’s only getting worse. Is his porn addiction messing up his brain so he can’t get an erection? Does he think I’m gross and it’s killing his erections? How can I get us back to our steamy sex life? Can I save this relationship?
Too much porn affects the brain
It seems like your concerns are well-placed, Whitney. There have been some studies that link erectile dysfunction to watching too much porn. We live in an age where disconnecting from our fellow human beings is more the norm than a social issue. Pornography (for all the positives it brings to empowering our sexuality) seems to add to this disconnect when consumed in more than a casual manner.
According to an article in the Huffington Post,
ED is no longer an issue that primarily affects men over 50. It’s now affecting men in general, regardless of age. And the common thread when there does not appear to be an age-related or medical cause appears to be excessive use (some might say abuse) of pornography. Put very simply, guys who use a lot of porn are much more likely to suffer from ED than guys who don’t.
Most of the time this dysfunction manifests with real world partners but not with porn, suggesting the problem is emotional/psychological rather than physical. In other words, it appears that online pornography is causing, in some men, including a lot of men in their sexual prime, an emotional and psychosexual disconnection that is manifesting physically with real world partners as ED, DE [delayed orgasm], anorgasmia [inability to reach orgasm], and the like. This, of course, is awful not only for the men, but the romantic partners who love them. After all, if a guy can’t get it up, keep it up, or reach orgasm, his partner’s sexual pleasure is also significantly diminished.
So your boyfriend’s increased consumption of porn has essentially deadened his connection to the real world and is making him less connected to himself when he is with you.
His erectile dysfunction is not your fault
It’s pretty common for the woman to experience feelings of shame or ugliness when the man can’t achieve erection especially when sexy little you is laying there all naked and ready. Somehow, you think he just doesn’t find you sexy anymore and since you know about his love of porn, you are desperately comparing yourself to the women in those videos.
It never makes a woman feel good when her man is struggling to get hard. It’s completely normal to take it personal, but do yourself a favor: DON’T!
There is a point in every man’s life where erections stop becoming a “phantom occurrence.” Meaning, when guys are in their teens to their mid 20’s, they are walking boner machines. Clouds could float by a little too suggestively and their pants would start tightening. Once men stop floating in testosterone sometime around their 27th birthday, erections become more of a mental thing. He has to be mentally stimulated to achieve erection too.
However, more than needing that mental stimulation, he also needs to quiet his own mind to create and maintain an erection. The stress of modern life has put a tremendous strain on our male population. Whereas in the past, problems with ED never really happened to guys younger than about 50, now it happens to guys in their teens and 20’s. You only need to watch a few minutes of TV nowadays to see all the “performance” ads for men.
As you can see, this has very little to do with you and a whole lot to do with what he’s dealing with. He’s there and wants to have sex. He wants to have sex with you. You’ve been together for a while so there are no changes in your body that he’s not well aware of. He simply has too much on his mind.
Watching porn is killing his erections
Actually, that might be a little too strong of a statement. Excessively watching porn is killing his erections. There hasn’t been a study yet that proves that watching a little bit of porn every now and then has much effect on men positive or negative. When he starts watching it daily and for several hours is when things get problematic.
And when you look at it, ANY extreme behavior or obsessions are likely to affect a man’s ability to perform in the bedroom. Think of it this way: have you ever been so obsessed with something that it temporarily made it impossible for you to concentrate? Was there something you got really into for a time that was pretty much all you could think about? This makes me think of my niece (a straight-A student) who cited Zayn Malik leaving One Direction as her reason for her first ever C on her report card…
You would think just by the fact that he’s watching porn (something sexy!), he should be able to stay hard for some real sex. But what is happening here is a disconnect between the act and the entertainment. Essentially, he is putting himself in a place where what’s onscreen is becoming more normal than what’s right in front of his face. And seriously, there is some stuff in porn that goes way beyond what you might be willing to do. Somewhere in his subconscious, there’s a little voice thinking, “Why bother?”
Don’t lose hope!
The good news is that even though your boyfriend is addicted to porn, all the negative side effects are completely reversible. According to Robert Weiss’ article:
Most males who use porn heavily and experience a related loss of sexual functioning find that if they step away from porn for a few months their sexual performance returns to baseline. In other words, when you remove the Pavlovian stimulus (by taking the porn away), the individual’s neurochemical and physical settings are able, in time, to respond as they did before the conditioning (i.e., before the porn). Even men who qualify as porn addicts — men for whom porn use has spiraled out of control, resulting in all sorts of negative life consequences — tend to experience a sexual rejuvenation when they step away from pornography, though this revival make take a bit longer to manifest.
It might be time for a little discussion with your porn addicted boyfriend. He’s not only messing up his life by an obsession with pornography, he’s killing your relationship and making you feel crazy trying to save it.
It might not have to come to an ultimatum; you should avoid an “either the porn goes or I go” conversation. You should, however, sit him down and tell him that his issues with ED are making you feel like he doesn’t find you attractive anymore. Obviously, he will assure you how hot you are (which is nice!). Then you can mention to him about the correlation between watching too much porn creating an inability to achieve erection. If he loves you, he’ll lay off it for a while and see if things get better.
Notice that you are going to say “a while” instead of saying “forever.” If he’s really watching A LOT of porn and may be addicted to porn, there is a big difference between a “trial run of cold turkey” and “forever” in his mind. Empower him to succeed by not making it mandatory or final. If you push too hard, he could throw it back in your face that you enjoy porn yourself. No need to go down that rabbit hole.
Now it may come down to ultimatums if he can’t stop himself. There is a really effective cure if you’re ready for it called Overcome Pornography. If his addiction is too much, you might consider some serious help…
But for now, let’s encourage him to get back to the relationship and gently walk away from being addicted to porn that’s affecting you both.