A Million Thoughts to say

by joy
(secret)

I wonder, how should i begin? i have so many ideas i don’t know where to start. what i mean is, i have none. so i can’t write an article for valentines day. only the endless sadness of my aching heart…

when i was in high school, i never believed about the love between opposite sex. for me, after a long time it will be gone and soon enough, they’ll break up. just like Jan, my sister.
i believed it will not last forever, yet the very day i saw him, i wasn’t too sure. how much i deny it, i still can’t stop my heart to skip a beat whenever i look at him, and sometimes i think he looks at me too.

it was like time ceased for a moment, and i’m paralyzed just by looking in his eyes. i don’t know what to do, don’t know how to act, don’t know how to say hello. just like crazy, i panic. whenever i pass by him, i never find the words to say. i keep my mouth shut, fearing i might say something that’ll make him unlike me. whenever i saw his angelic, smiling face, i always think “oh, your so beautiful”. whenever i think he looks at me that’s why i can’t look at him, i feel myself melting in his gaze. and i don’t know why, but whenever i look at him… i accidentally smile.

i can tell you that he’s a joker, humorous, kind, responsible and a lot more good qualities that makes him look cuter than beautiful. but i can never find the exact reasons why… i fell in love with him.

when our adviser made new sitting arrangements, it’s like “oh my gosh! he’s one seat apart from me!” he’s near that’s why my hands are trembling when i write, and i freeze i can’t move at all. the most frightening is, he almost took my breath away.

there were so many times he tried to talk to me. like when i drew, “that’s nice!”. and when he teasingly punched his lunch box on my head, and laughed. it didn’t hurt at all but i pretended to show an angry face, and when he left, i can’t stop smiling. i was thinking “maybe, just maybe, he likes me too!”. but of all the words he said to me, i could return nothing, even though i really really want to. it’s like my tongue is stuck.

seeing him, being with him, and sitting near him everyday from monday to friday were the best days of my life. but, i never knew he already had that someone special. it made every single day the worst days of my life. gone now was the thought that he looks at me, smiles at me and loves me. for every single day, i see him look at her, smile at her and love her.

i was always angry, i avoid him. ignore him. i can no longer dream of him as my love, think of him- for it breaks my heart to pieces. one day, he asked me, “do you hate me?”. to all my hidden temper and fury, i blurted out, “yes, i hate you so much!” then he never talked to me again.

“oh my god!” i thought. what i really wanted to say was “i hate myself for loving you.” how silly of me! then we graduated and i never saw him again. and whenever i think of the chances i’ve had to say i love him but never did, tears fall out from my eyes. and all that time, i never said a word.

even though…. there’s a million thoughts and a million words i’m dying to say. like, i love you. ’til now.

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