My Anxiety
by Sandra
(Toronto, Ontario, Canada)
So my ex bf and I dated for about 8 months. We got along:). Recently I messaged him and asked him if everything was OK, if he was upset at me because we haven’t hung out in a week and usually he asks me to hang out on my days off. He didn’t respond for a couple hours, so I messaged him back saying maybe you’re busy but u didn’t respond to my last message. He then replied, “I was walking…”
Hours later, I told him that I feel like he was ignoring my question and that I was dealing with some anxiety. I asked if he could please respond (I have some anxiety and he knew that). He replied back, “I will and I noticed your anxiety is worse following drinking.” The night before, I had more than a few drinks.
So the next day I’m like, “Look I have a lot of anxiety about this and I want to feel better. Its making me upset that u won’t answer my question. Maybe you’re busy but if u could find some time to talk to me.” He messaged back saying he just got out of this career meeting and he was going to meet up with this friend for coffee. I felt like he was still ignoring me and my question.
The next day I told him that my anxiety is bad and all I wanted is an answer from him and I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t answer it and I told him I felt hurt. He responded a while later, “I am with Paige. We just finished skating. I just need some time to deal with my own shit. I am going to discuss wt u I am just focusing on some stuff. I have things that need attention as well.”
I responded, “I feel like u don’t care. All I wanted is some of your time to talk. I don’t need attention from u. I just wanted to talk. I respect that u have your own to focus on, but if u can’t give me 5 mins of your time then this relationship isn’t going to work. I told u I was hurt and its like u doesn’t care. I want my bf to care but obviously u don’t. So if u don’t have time or whatever to discuss stuff with me today, then I am going to have to break up with u. 🙁 I really don’t want to but I need to talk to u. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just extremely stressed out.”
He didn’t respond for more than a few hours. He has a cell phone that he always has on him so he gets the messages right away. Then I sent him a message, “Hey u didn’t respond to my last message, I don’t know what to do I’m really not doing good. I don’t know what to do with myself because I don’t know what you’re thinking of me and of what I said. I like u and I hate having anxiety. Maybe I’m thinking the worst but since u didn’t reply does that mean that u don’t want to talk today or go out with me anymore? Honestly, maybe I am being a little crazy to u. I don’t know but its cause I can’t eat and I don’t feel good so maybe I’m not thinking straight.”
No response for hours again. Then I said, “I’m sorry I said I may break up with you if u don’t talk to me. It’s only because I need to talk to u because I am sooo stresses out. I thought that if u don’t want to talk then u don’t care or u don’t want to go out with me. I’m not gonna break up with you cause I like u and you’re a nice guy. I’m just anxious to speak with you and you’re not responding. And now I’m thinking you’re really mad because u didn’t pick up the phone or respond to my messages. Please just message me back and let me know if u still want to date me or not? If you’re busy could u fine some time to message me cause I can’t stop crying and feeling like shit and I need to know what you’re thinking about this. Thanks.”
No response again… Then I responded again (I kept doing this because my anxiety was really bad and I needed to talk to him to know what’s going on), “Could u PLEASE message me back and let me know if u want to still be with me or not or if u need space or whatever??? Please I’m begging u!! I’ll never message u again if u don’t want to go out with me I just need to know instead of wondering.
Again no response
I sent him a message the next day, “OK I feel like I’m annoying u and I think that u must think I’m crazy but I need to talk to u really bad. My anxiety is getting reallllly bad. I can barely eat or sleep and I can’t work. My anxiety is doing this to me and I don’t know how to feel better. Please respond or call me and tell me what’s going on Maybe u don’t get it maybe u do, but I need a response. Not knowing is what’s killing me. Please Scott. This may sound desperate but I want this stress to go away. I really don’t know what else to say to make u talk to me. If u don’t respond soon I’m really gonna think u must think I’m some crazy bitch and that u want nothing to do with me.”
Then he responded, “Please calm down. I need some time to myself and am doing lots of stuff for my kids too.”
I didn’t message him or call him for a week. He deleted me off of his FaceBook so to me that’s a sign he’s breaking up with me. I’m really hurt, I don’t love him, I’m just hurt and surprised…is there something wrong with me???
Our Love Advice to You
Fix Your Anxiety Problems
Sandra, there are a lot of issues here that need to be addressed. First of all, there is no doubt that this guy is a total jerk for letting you freak out for so long, but that does not excuse your scary behavior.
It’s cool to see your husband/boyfriend/lover as your rock that keeps you solid and help you through tough times, but it sounds like you have an anxiety issue that is long-standing and pretty consistent. It’s really not fair to turn your boyfriend into your counselor.
He signed on for you when you were your most cute and lovable. You should keep this job title for as long as you possibly can! Your issues are just that: your issues. The people you bring into your life should be capable of helping you in times of need, but should not be responsible for any part of your happiness. That is entirely your job.
So now what?
Get a handle on your anxiety problems right away! There is no reason for you to show up to a relationship with a truckfull of “issues” and expect that you deserve to have them all accepted.
There is a system called Panic Away that helped my friend, Gina, get through a similar situation. Although, like you, Gina also ended up getting dumped, she worked through her anxiety issues and was whole enough to seduce (and keep) the man she ended up marrying three months ago.
You will ALWAYS keep running men into the ground with your anxiety problems unless you do something right away to find peace. You owe it to your future love and most importantly, you owe it to yourself to get better!