Am I judgmental?
by Casey
(San Antonio, TX)
I’m not sure who is in the wrong. Am I judgmental? I’ve been dating a guy who is ten years my senior and we tend to have disagreements and I’m always the one to take the blame.
I’ve been sick this week but still having to go to work, but we were planning on seeing each other Friday night and into Saturday. He decided to have a drinking party with his friends Thursday night. We had talked on the phone and I had mentioned to try not to party too hard so that he won’t be hung over when we get to see each other on Friday (we hadn’t seen each other all week).
Well, I arrive at his place Friday around 7pm and he had been sleeping off his hangover all day. One of his friends let me in when I was knocking. His friend and I chit chat downstairs while I’m waiting for him to come down cause his friend said when I arrived he
went to the bathroom. Well, the friend left and my boyfriend never came down. So, I go upstairs and find him in bed sleeping again.
At this point I’m very upset because instead of coming down to greet me, ask how my day went etc, he went to the bathroom and went back to bed thinking I’d come up eventually and cuddle with him. I’m also upset that he drank so much that he was still in bed knowing that I would be coming to see him the next night. Plus, he knows I’ve been sick and I was hoping he would take care of me a little instead of me having to take care of his hangover.
When I go upstairs to see him, I say hey and he says hay without turning over to see me. I ask if he’s been hung over all day and he says yes. I say that his friend just left. He says nothing. I’m so upset that I just say that I guess I’ll just leave since he’s going to just sleep. He says fine, go, and thanks for coming in and judging everything and bringing negativity with me. I say your welcome and leave. I drive around the block and come back and go back upstairs to him.
I tell him that I didn’t want to leave without telling him why. He’s still in bed not facing me. He says ok. I tell him why I’m upset and he tells me that I’m very negative and judgmental and he tells me his expectations weren’t met by me not coming upstairs and cuddling with him since I was sick and he’s sleepy. And that he would have eventually woken up and we could have a nice night. I tell him I’ve been sick and working all week and he could have come downstairs or at least acknowledged that I was there. And that I was disappointed that he drank so much the night before that he’s still hung over for our time.
He gets up and looks me in the eye and says do you want to forget about all of this and just have a good night together. And I tell him, no that its not right he’s not taking any responsibility or saying sorry. He keeps saying I’m being so judgmental and since I was still arguing with him he tells me to get the f*** out of his house and that we were over. I ask him if that’s really how’d he want to end it and he says that he gave me chances to stop arguing and to just have a good night but I wouldn’t let it go cause he still thought he didn’t do anything wrong. Just that I did something wrong by coming in complaining and leaving and then coming back and complaining some more. I tell him I’m trying to tell him why I am upset with the situation and he tells me to get the f*** out of his house again and to take my imaginary world with me. I start crying and unable to leave.
He just lies there not caring and not facing me. He says this is what happens when I push his buttons. I eventually just say I’m sorry for arguing and being judgmental and then he hugs me and says that its good I recognize that and I shouldn’t expect people to do anything or I’ll always be miserable.
Was I in the wrong? I’ve never had such a hard time with a boyfriend before. He has had a rough life and he’s pretty intelligent. But whenever he does something that pushes my buttons and I call him out some how he makes it my fault in the end and I end up apologizing to keep the relationship. What should I do?
Our Dating Advice to You
Get outta there ASAP
LEAVE!!!!! Don’t walk, RUN. What a manipulative jackass!
He’s brainwashing you to become a compliant doormat, and the more you allow it the more he will push and work to systematically take your foundation out from under you. Please… google up some info on emotional blackmail and psychological abuse, gaslighting, etc.,
Most importantly you need to listen to your gut feelings, which are always right. Do you think that it is ever wrong to do what is right? Ask yourself: if you had a best-girl-friend in the same situation, what would you want for her?
It sounds like your boyfriend (ugh!) needs professional help for his unresolved issues, which cause him to be very immature, self-centered and insensitive to your feelings and needs. (I’m trying to be nice here) Somehow you are finding a reason to excuse his serious flaws at the expense of your own dignity. Is it worth it? (NO!)
Where do you draw the line? Once you stand up for yourself, don’t back down, as it only undermines your own strength and beliefs as a human being. You deserve to be treated with respect, but your boyfriend (ugh!) seems to not respect himself; therefore he cannot respect you either. Sometimes being judgmental is being wise, as it enables us to make important decisions. The choice is always yours and I hope this makes sense enough to help you. I will pray for you to find the strength to do the right thing.